Late night thoughts

I’ll begin by saying I should probably keep this brief. A more comprehensive update can come later. Whenever I decide to write that.

I don’t remember offhand if I’ve written it here before, but I am in a rut. I’ve had the same job for 6 years (7, if you count the year I worked for the same company at a different location), I’ve lived in the same apartment for 4 years as of yesterday, I broke up with my first girlfriend 1 year and 9 months ago, and I earned my bachelor’s degree 9 months ago. Aside from my ex no longer being in the picture and the changes associated with that (no needy girlfriend to entertain, but also no ex asking for occasional favors), I’m not sure my life has dramatically changed recently, which is both sort of good and bad. On the bright side, of course, my brother did get married just over a month ago, so technically I gained a sister-in-law, and I could get further into the weeds, but suffice it to say I’ve been unhappy. Sure, I make do and try to find some satisfaction, but the daily grind is irritating at times, and I’ve been burnt out, at least professionally, for what seems like a while. Probably at least a year, possibly a couple.

Recently, the beginning of the new semester, the anniversary of starting our relationship, and other things have made me think of my ex. We haven’t had any contact in several months- I got a new phone number in March, I e-mailed her a couple weeks later, and after exchanging a few e-mails I didn’t reply to her because it seemed unnecessary. Contacting her out of the blue would probably be a mistake, as I’ve been thinking for the last few weeks whenever I’ve considered contacting her, but it might also be interesting to see how she’d react (despite my pessimism about it being a positive interaction). I also started watching Umbrella Academy on Netflix a few days ago, which is a good show, and I mention because back in February, she asked if I wanted to watch it with her. I was slightly taken aback and suspicious, since she hadn’t asked me if I’d want to watch Netflix with her in over a year, but that never happened, since we made plans for me to go to her dorm room so we could watch Netflix before she canceled for reasons unknown. I have my suspicions, but watching Umbrella Academy lately has made me think about the past year, more or less, of contact with her.

I am getting slightly off track here but, to summarize, the semester after we broke up (spring 2018) we were still sort of talking occasionally. The next summer, I texted her a few times, but she basically quit contacting me. Last fall, there were several times that I texted her and she texted me, but communication fell off from talking every few days to only texting every few weeks. This past spring, before she graduated, there were a few texts and generally several weeks passed between communications, and then I got a new phone number in March, which I did not give her.

I’ve been thinking lately about being in a rut, and the only way I see to get out of it is to get a different job. I’ve sporadically tried applying to jobs, but thus far I’ve had few results. There have been a couple phone interviews and an email that said  “Thanks for your interest, but we’re going with a different candidate”, but otherwise nothing. I don’t remember offhand how many jobs I’ve applied to, but I do wish finding another job was easier.

I don’t think finding a new job would be a panacea and immediately solve all my problems (finding a new job directly leads to Trump and Pence getting impeached and leaving office to be replaced by someone who isn’t corrupt, compromised, and a malignant narcissist… if only), but it would certainly help. While I’ve adjusted to once again being single, and I can’t say that I’m not enjoying it, occasionally the idea of dating does have some appeal (if only because it’d be something different).

Finding a new job would, as I’ve thought since breaking up with my ex, result in different routines. Among other examples, if I get a different job, it would be different than the times I picked up my ex from campus after getting off work when we were dating. Even if I did find another job where I got off at midnight or in the middle of the night, presumably there would be different circumstances.

It’s probably long since past, but I’ve thought before (and again recently) that I shouldn’t be looking to my ex as a source of novelty. Sure, when we were dating, it would be understandable (“oh, my girlfriend wants to go out to eat”/”wants to cook dinner at my apartment”/wants to go do this thing”/wants to watch this show”), but since we broke up, she hasn’t seemed very interested in spending time with me. Maybe if she hadn’t immediately started dating another guy a couple weeks after we broke up it would be different, but with a few exceptions, she’s generally not been particularly nice to me since we broke up. By helping her and doing favors for her I probably have been far too nice. Anyway, as a result, my single existence is not the most exciting. I feel like I don’t have much of a social network, which has contributed to my feeling lonely. Fortunately that’s been better lately since I’ve been playing Pathfinder with some coworkers.

I should probably stop thinking about my ex, and it seems like I’ve been thinking and talking about her a lot lately, but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about that. I don’t want to forget my first significant relationship (and make the same mistakes down the road with someone less forgiving and/or experienced), but considering it’s been nearly 2 years since we were together, I wish I had something else to talk or think about. It’s not that I don’t, but I don’t get out much, and I don’t feel like I have the money or desire to be out and about. What am I going to do, start talking to people and be that awkward weirdo telling people stuff about stuff they don’t care about? Go to the grocery store, tell people about what I’m reading these days, and ask the cashier for Netflix recommendations? Swipe right on every profile I see on dating apps until it yields an actual date? I think not.

Well, this is longer than I expected, but I will end by saying that, aside from thinking about finally contacting my ex and not really expecting to resume contact (I don’t expect her to be nice and say something like “why haven’t we talked in so long?”), I’ve decided I need to talk to a counselor on campus again. I’ve been thinking about it since before the semester started, I think, but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. Drive myself crazy applying to jobs until someone finally pulls the trigger and (CENSORED) hires me? I’m impatient and underemployed- just hire me already, cowards.

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