Late night thoughts

I’ll begin by saying I should probably keep this brief. A more comprehensive update can come later. Whenever I decide to write that.

I don’t remember offhand if I’ve written it here before, but I am in a rut. I’ve had the same job for 6 years (7, if you count the year I worked for the same company at a different location), I’ve lived in the same apartment for 4 years as of yesterday, I broke up with my first girlfriend 1 year and 9 months ago, and I earned my bachelor’s degree 9 months ago. Aside from my ex no longer being in the picture and the changes associated with that (no needy girlfriend to entertain, but also no ex asking for occasional favors), I’m not sure my life has dramatically changed recently, which is both sort of good and bad. On the bright side, of course, my brother did get married just over a month ago, so technically I gained a sister-in-law, and I could get further into the weeds, but suffice it to say I’ve been unhappy. Sure, I make do and try to find some satisfaction, but the daily grind is irritating at times, and I’ve been burnt out, at least professionally, for what seems like a while. Probably at least a year, possibly a couple.

Recently, the beginning of the new semester, the anniversary of starting our relationship, and other things have made me think of my ex. Continue reading

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The end is nigh

At first, I chose the title of this post because I turn 28 in less than a week. On further reflection, I suppose it also applies to this semester.

Apparently it’s been a few months since I wrote anything here? Let’s see, what’s happened since then…

I got a new phone and phone number last month, after 4 years of using the same Samsung Galaxy S5 and nearly 13 years with the same number. The Samsung Galaxy S7 I have now is quite an upgrade, or at least it seems that way.

I’m still working at a convenience store, and I need to be working a bit harder on finding a different job, whether that’s advancing to being an assistant manager (the idea of which does not excite me) or finding something more white-collar. Filling out job applications is more than slightly soul-draining and frustrating, but I guess that’s what I have to do (and it’s certainly what I’ve been told to do for a while now). The alternative, I guess, is cooking or being a cashier, and I’ve more than had my fill of that in the last 6.5 years.

Earlier this semester my ex-girlfriend texted me a few times, mostly asking for favors, but it’s been nearly a month since she texted me. I e-mailed her last week to inform her my phone number had changed, and after talking to her, it’s only reinforced the feeling of dodging a bullet (or an arsenal). I’m confident that one of, if not the main, reason she’s texted me in the last 6 months has been for emotional validation. It probably took me longer than it should have, but I noticed at some point last fall (about 8 months after we broke up) that she wasn’t interested in talking to me unless she initiated contact. She told me in our recent e-mail correspondence that she’s making plans for the future with the guy she’s been dating since a few weeks after we broke up, so good for her, I guess. I didn’t want the same things she did, but it sounds like she’s getting what she wants, even if it’s been delayed by a year since we broke up over a year ago.
I have had no positive developments on the dating or meeting people front, but I also don’t do anything or go anywhere, and online dating apps are not particularly exciting.

Maybe I’ll rant about it in another post, but to me, the profiles I’ve seen where young women write that they like dogs, beer, tacos, wine, coffee (or any combination of those) is not exactly unique. I’m sure the idea is that they’re marketing themselves (“look, we have common ground!”), but I think at least 50% of people like dogs, tacos, and beer, and depending on the exact interests and demographics, I bet most twenty-something people enjoy dogs, alcohol, sports, and/or live music. Sad to say, you’re going to need something a bit more unique for me to have any interest. “I like the same things as most people” does not pique my interest the way that a good line about Star Wars might, as an example. Sure, some of the bios are occasionally funny, but “looking for a doggy daddy” or “my dog is just using you for your backyard” or “looking for someone to touch my butt and buy me tacos” is basically just variations on that same theme. Maybe it works and I’m just a cynical misanthrope, but I’m increasingly convinced that I’m not going to find my next relationship through online dating and/or dating apps. On the other hand, I’ve had some recent superficial conversation with a fellow graduate student, so who knows, maybe I’m just grumpy.

I unfortunately haven’t been gaming much recently, thanks to this semester’s computer forensics class keeping me busy, but it’s been kind of interesting. My study habits could be better, but I think I’m doing okay, and hopefully will finish strong.

I still haven’t decided what I want to do for my birthday next week. Unfortunately I work that night, since I didn’t get around to requesting the day off, but maybe I can treat myself that day and go out to eat or something.

Auf wiedersehen, fair readers.

Saturday night’s all right?

I don’t know what to write, but I feel like I should write something.

The semester started the week before last, and the two classes I’m retaking this semester shouldn’t be too challenging. I’ve taken them before, I basically know what’s expected, and I know what my mistakes were last semester- I just have to get them done, and hopefully get good grades. We’ll see how that goes.

I’m working on the job search front, but no progress yet.  Continue reading

Uncertainty

I’m not sure what to write about.

It’s been about 7 months since the end of my first relationship, and a few weeks since my last contact with my ex-girlfriend. I’d say I’m probably over the breakup (though it seems like I’ve been that way for some time, honestly). I anticipate that she might reach out again this coming fall, but of course there’s always the possibility that, as she has said, we might never talk again.

I’m not a fan of the idea of never talking again, but I imagine, based on our interaction since we broke up, she probably knows that I’m not the one closing that particular door, and if she wants to contact me, I’ll probably reply. Last month while my siblings were in town, I did think it was strange that she tried calling me one afternoon. I didn’t see the missed call until a few hours after it happened. If I remember correctly, after looking on my phone I realized that was the first time she’s called me since March. I thought it was possible that it was a mistake (“butt dial”, “pocket dial”, etc.), but it seemed strange considering we hadn’t texted or talked for a couple weeks, and I imagine if she’s been texting or calling anyone since she went home for the summer it’s been her boyfriend and family.

I haven’t been thinking about my ex-girlfriend much lately, but the last few days I had been thinking about her after finally trying the restaurant she mentioned wanting to go to for her birthday if her boyfriend couldn’t come visit (though her boyfriend ultimately did come down, so I didn’t have to take her out for her birthday after all) and thinking about how it’s been about 7 months since we broke up. Today, I deleted a few pictures on my phone and ate the last bite of gelato in my freezer, which was from one day last fall when we bought gelato before settling in to watch Netflix.

She hasn’t been to my apartment since the start of the spring semester, but there doesn’t seem to be many physical reminders left. Sure, there’s the lamp she gave me for Christmas one year (the first year we were together, I think?), and various things I can associate with her (like the days when I would make fried rice for dinner or eggs and cinnamon rolls for breakfast), but not many (if anything) that I can physically handle and associate with a specific memory. Such is life and the passage of time, I suppose.

Less fortunately, I briefly looked at job postings today, and the idea of filling out job applications or tinkering with my resume is demoralizing. “Looking for a job is a job in itself”, and I know I don’t want to work at my current job forever, but I also know that I don’t relish the prospect of filling out job applications, updating my resume, and all the other associated nonsense. I do think getting a new job would help, if only so it might be something I enjoy more than my current job, which I have been doing for far too long.

In other demoralizing news, I’m not sure what to do on the dating front. I haven’t been very active lately, but online dating hasn’t seemed to work for me yet. Maybe it’s my pictures, or maybe I’m just not in a good spot (as family seems to think), which I sort of agree with. Walking in the park one evening earlier this week I saw several couples, which kind of made me wish I had someone to go on walks with and otherwise enjoy my summer, but at the same time I kind of am enjoying the single life and not having to be accountable to anyone. If I had a girlfriend, I’m sure she would have plans of her own (even if it was just planning our next date or trip together), and right now I’m free [within the confines set by my work schedule].

In more fortunate news, I’ve been using Duolingo for nearly a week. I’ve used it before, but never for this long. Studying German, French, Spanish, Welsh, Russian, and Chinese (the most recent I’ve embarked on) makes me feel accomplished, though studying Chinese keeps making me feel slightly stupid when I make a mistake.

I’m not sure what else I could write about, so that may be where I leave off for now. It’s weird thinking about classes starting in about a month- I’m not sure I’m ready for that, but I know I need to finish registering for classes and get all of that straightened out.

Time is short

I feel like I don’t have much to report, but I would like to write regardless.

My parents visited this weekend to help my brother move some stuff home and to see a concert. I requested Saturday (the day of the concert) off work, and got more than I expected when my schedule from a couple weeks ago was repeated, so I worked Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday of last week (24 hours instead of the usual 32) before getting nearly a week (Friday through this coming Wednesday) off work, to my pleasant surprise.

I had never been to a concert before, so that was interesting. I got to hang out with my brother, his girlfriend, and the married couple they’re friends with, so I did sort of feel like a fifth wheel (particularly during some of the slower, romantic songs toward the end), but it was alright. I was not a fan of the people sitting a few rows down who decided to start smoking despite the fact we were in a smoke-free arena. Shortly before the end of the concert, a woman sitting behind us shouted that they needed to put out their cigarette, and then she hid behind my brother and his friend, so when they turned around they apparently thought that us “kids” (probably the youngest people in the section by a couple decades) had said something and they said something about “spoiled babies”. The woman who had shouted that they needed to put out their cigarette was apparently talking about how a lack of confrontation was what was wrong with society today, and at one point the people in front of us said “F*ck you!” and flipped off the woman who had told them to stop smoking. We decided to leave shortly before the end of the concert since we didn’t want to get stuck in the middle.

I started talking to a girl on a dating app (Coffee Meets Bagel, specifically) the week before last, and after a few days of chatting we made plans to meet this past Friday. She works at an aquarium, and I had been hesitant to go to where she works, but I figured it would at least be interesting to get the guided tour. That went well – after walking through the aquarium where she works for about an hour, we walked a short distance for lunch and sat and talked for several hours before I had to go to class. Later in the day I asked if she wanted to make plans for next weekend and she said she would like that. We haven’t discussed plans for next weekend yet.

I don’t know what will come of it, but talking to her has definitely felt like it’s helped me move on. Until my ex-girlfriend called to wake me up last Tuesday, I hadn’t talked to her since the Thursday before spring break (about a week and a half). Now that I think about it I don’t remember the last time I had heard her voice (maybe two weeks prior or longer?). Our phone conversation last week certainly didn’t last long (I thanked her for calling and said bye). While I remember missing her during spring break (particularly while driving through the city she’s been living in), while driving back to my apartment I was remembering some of our arguments from last summer that seemed somewhat stupid in hindsight, and I decided at one point that if she wanted to talk, she knows how to contact me. While I think I would like to be friends, I’m not sure she wants to be friends- if she did want to be friends, I assume she would talk to me more. I can also see where that might be somewhat weird considering she has a boyfriend in another city and we used to be in a relationship, so that could be awkward. I know I remember it seeming somewhat awkward the first couple times I saw her after she returned from winter break.

In other news, there’s apparently about 7 weeks left in the semester, and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I wish I had more spare time to relax, instead of constantly having assignments (for example, the assignments last week that I didn’t get done) and other obligations. I have a few hours left before work this afternoon (I agreed to work for someone), for example, and while I could be productive I really don’t want to be productive and would rather spend my last free hours on the Internet or playing a game.

Spring break!

I know, I know, I haven’t written here for a while. I’ve thought about writing another post here, but this one is going to be short.

My spring break starts today, and I’ve been looking forward to that. Unfortunately, after spring break I don’t know what the next long weekend or break from school will be. Maybe Easter weekend, but I haven’t made any plans for that yet.

My plans for this next week include going to see some friends in another city, being home and seeing family for a few days, and then returning to work the second half of spring break. It would be better if I didn’t have to work at all, but such is life. My plans may not be as conventional and exciting as going to Cancun, Florida, or somewhere warm and tropical, but I’m not a huge fan of sun and people anyway, and I’m sure there are plenty of fellow college students on spring break engaging in the stereotypical debauchery and partying.

I’m still single (despite the creation of a few online dating profiles), and there’s not been much progress made on that front. I’ve thought about trying to “spruce up” my various profiles, perhaps by changing what’s written or uploading different photos, but at the same time I also have been enjoying the single life. While it would be nice to have someone to make plans with, I also am not looking for anything serious right now.

According to what I’ve heard from my ex-girlfriend, she’s happy in her relationship, so that’s nice. We haven’t talked much, and most of my interaction with her in the last month and a half has been giving her rides to Wal-Mart an average of about once a week. She hasn’t talked much the last few times I’ve seen her, and I’ve thought of a few questions I’d like to hear her answer, but I don’t expect her to answer them any time soon.

One thing I’ve wondered is if she is interested in being friends, or whether she’s just using me because I’m the only person she knows in this city with a car. Another question is whether she’ll talk to me this summer, or if she’ll go home for the summer and never talk to me again. At the moment, 2.5 months (roughly) since we broke up, she only contacts me if she wants help (i.e., a ride somewhere) or for wake-up calls for my Tuesday/Thursday morning class if I haven’t texted her that I’m awake by 8:30.

I think it seems likely that if she breaks up with her boyfriend she might contact me and want to get together again, but I could be mistaken. Maybe she absolutely hates my guts for having the temerity to not want to get married and, if her and her boyfriend break up over the summer (for example), she’ll continue to not talk to me and try finding someone else.

Of course, I also haven’t heard her say anything about problems in their relationship. The first week of the semester, as I previously have written here, she mentioned a couple times where he hadn’t talked to her for a day or so, but she’s said since then that he has been better about talking to her. They have only been dating for about two months, so the “honeymoon period” probably is still very much in effect.

I know she’s mentioned a couple times her plans to spend spring break with her boyfriend. If I had a girlfriend, I certainly would want to spend spring break with her.

Well, I can’t think of anything else to say. It probably would help the recovery process from the breakup if I met someone else, though I’m not sure how that would happen in my daily life without making some changes (asking out classmates? I don’t know), and I am curious about how my ex might react if I told her that I had met someone else and/or was seeing someone new. Maybe I’ll find out one day.

Beginnings and Endings

I hadn’t realized it had been more than six months since I wrote here, but somehow that’s not a surprise. I know I had forgotten I had this blog until recently- and I don’t even remember what reminded me. I think it was visiting some site that used WordPress.

Anyway, the big story in my personal life of the last month is breaking up with the girl that I had been in a relationship with for two years. While I’ve been wanting to write about it (particularly since we have sort of started communicating again), I also am leery of writing too much here. Among other reasons, it’s weird imagining her reading anything I write here (though I don’t think I ever told her I had a blog), to say nothing of her current boyfriend, her family, or Internet archaeologists of the future. Haha. Anyway, to abbreviate a long story, she had started talking about wanting an engagement ring and a wedding proposal soon, and I didn’t want to propose to her. After several weeks of arguing about it and her departure for the winter break, she gave me the ultimatum of either proposing or breaking up. I didn’t want to propose, so we broke up. We maintained sporadic contact (mostly initiated by her) for about the next week and a half, and at some point I apparently made her think I had changed my mind. Once I told her that I hadn’t, she said she didn’t want to talk to me unless I had changed my mind or unless it was about getting her stuff back. Aside from a few text messages, some of which I’m sure were intended to make me jealous or otherwise upset, we had stopped talking, which has been its own adjustment. I can write more about that later.

Unfortunately, the spring semester began Tuesday. On the bright side, I only have one class Tuesdays and Thursdays, but this good news is somewhat marred by the fact this class is at 9:30 AM (not good news for this night owl, especially on nights I work until midnight) and the fact that Mondays and Wednesdays this semester I have three classes spaced out between 11:15 AM and 6:45 PM. Of course, since the semester just started, I haven’t had any serious assignments yet, but I’m not looking forward to having assignments and projects due.

In other news, I’ve been playing a lot of Stellaris lately (and this was particularly true before this week). I decided to start working on another AAR, this time based on playing as a Trade League (ethoi: Pacifist Xenophile Materialist) after playing a brief game because I had never tried the Corporate Dominion civic. At the moment I’ve been having mild “writer’s block” not quite knowing how I want to start it. I have decided I want this to be sort of a history, rather than the narrative story based on another Stellaris game that I played last summer. With that in mind, I’ve decided I want to start with a sort of prologue of the first ruler’s term covering the first twenty years of the game. Right now I think I’ve decided on listing the achievements of the first term (information about planets colonized, technologies researched, economic growth, diplomacy, etc.) before I start writing the history proper. Of course, before I write that history, I’ll also have to play past 2220, and decide whether I want to go with the random election, or burn most of my current Influence reserve and keep my current ruler for another twenty years. Decisions, decisions.

Well, I’m overdue to go to bed, so that’s all for now. I’ll try to write more here later- if nothing else, writing a blog post might make me feel more accomplished than some of the alternatives.