Thinking about old news

It seems that about a month has passed since my last entry. Offhand, I can’t think of any major events recently. Sure, we got a new manager at work after about a month and a half, and perhaps other major events could come to mind, but at the moment I can’t think of anything major that personally affects me.

Last week I was able to get several days off work and go home for fall break with my sister, so that was nice. It was nice seeing family (including my brother and his wife, so I sort of got two road trips in one week) and being away from the daily grind. This week I somehow have 3 days off work, which I should make use of by looking for work and working on schoolwork and cleaning my apartment, but thus far today I haven’t been especially productive. I did cook dinner earlier tonight- I made rice, cooked some frozen corn, opened a can of baked beans, and combined that with chopped onion, green pepper, homegrown jalapeno pepper, and tomato that I fried in bacon grease. It was good, though I wasn’t very hungry (probably due to not doing anything today).

The night is still relatively young, though I don’t expect to do anything exciting the rest of the night. I might boot up a game and play Stellaris or something, though.

I’ve been thinking about my ex lately, which, as I’ve said, I probably shouldn’t be. I think it was after my last entry, but I did end up e-mailing her last month. After exchanging a few messages where she told me about her new job and, among other things, that she was getting married next year, I once again decided to not reply. She told me about her job and future plans to get married and start a family (which I remember her talking about wanting to do when we were dating), and I wasn’t sure what to say. I know at one point I was affected after reading what she said about her new job, but that time has passed now. I’m not sure now what she could say or do that might similarly affect me now- maybe if I were to see pictures from the wedding or baby pictures. My curiosity was satisfied by her telling me about her new job and plans to get married, anyway.

I could probably write more here another time, but lately I’ve been remembering her texting me last fall, as well as (to a lesser extent) fall 2017, fairly late in our relationship. Last fall, after about a month of no contact, she texted me out of the blue in the wee hours of a late September morning to ask if I could give her a ride. I asked where she was, presuming that she genuinely needed help, and she said “never mind.” I think about a week after that I asked one day if she wanted to to a coffee shop and she declined, but a few days after that (about two weeks after she asked at like 1:30 AM for a ride) I was finishing a shift at work one night when she texted me because she was fighting with her boyfriend and wanted to talk to someone. As she told me, they had made plans to spend her fall break together, but then those plans fell through because his brother had got a divorce so his family had taken a vacation. IIRC, she didn’t begrudge him seeing his family because he didn’t often get the opportunity, but she was disappointed and they were apparently arguing, and he had said he didn’t want to talk to her, so she texted me. We texted for a bit- maybe a couple hours- and toward the end she said something about being glad that she could still talk to me, which made me feel warm and fuzzy, of course. Nothing similar has happened since then, and now that I think about it that may be the last time we’ve had anything resembling an emotional conversation (or at least anything other than discussing school or the logistics of me helping her).

Also last fall/winter, after a relatively long period of no contact (over a month if memory serves), she texted me after Thanksgiving to ask about my holiday, there were several days after Thanksgiving break where we were texting (more than we had communicated since we broke up, I think, plus she called one night asking for homework help), and she texted me again after Christmas to ask about my holiday and if I had “Graduated”. No idea why she capitalized the G in “Graduated”, but maybe that was accidental or supposed to indicate importance (which, I guess getting your bachelor’s is an achievement, but I digress).

Unlike last month when I did e-mail her, or other times in the past, I can’t say that I currently want to talk to her. I mean, I’d be open to it, especially if she initiated contact, but she no longer has my phone number as of March, and she’s said her boyfriend (understandably) doesn’t like her talking to me. I remember her trying to make me jealous when we were dating, and I’d be willing to bet money that she has tried using me to make him jealous at some point in the year and 10 months that they’ve been together thus far. Even if she hasn’t told him about every time I’ve done a favor for her (and I doubt that she has), there are a couple occasions that I can imagine an argument where she says something like “Well, if you don’t want to talk to me, I’ll talk to my ex.” Anyway, I’ve been thinking the last couple days that my sort of wanting to talk to her but knowing there’s no reason to seems like a contrast between different levels. On one level, there’s the lizard brain or hindbrain wanting another hit of that drug, from oxytocin or whatever that I associate with her after being together for 2 years, and on a higher level, there’s probably the frontal cortex (superego? ape brain? human brain?) that knows it’s pointless and futile. Even if I did e-mail her something like “I miss you, hope you’re well”, I doubt she’d reply “I miss you too [despite the fact I’m engaged and can’t wait to be married in six months], and I hope you are well too.”

There is, of course, various questions I can think of regarding her current relationship and our communication since we broke up (among other things), but unfortunately I don’t think I’ll ever get them answered. When she texted me “I miss you” last March, it could be true, or she could have just been pulling on emotional manipulation to get me to reply. I’m also sure that her texting me “I miss you” probably meant that she was arguing with her boyfriend. After her texting me about a year ago because she was arguing with her boyfriend, that was one of my main suspicions whenever she texted me- either she was testing the lines of communication to see if I’d reply, and/or she was arguing with her boyfriend and wanted additional emotional support.

Now, of course, she’s probably living with her boyfriend (at least, that’s what she’d said she was going to do after she graduated this spring), and other than replying to my e-mails, she hasn’t initiated contact with me since March. I’ve thought several times lately that I’m sort of glad she isn’t asking for favors any more, because I know I’m worth more than “delivery boy” or “auxiliary emotional support”/”back burner boyfriend”, but it would be nice if I had any overt displays of interest from someone I’d find attractive. On the two dating apps that I’ve been halfheartedly using lately, I have had several “likes”, but (1) I barely use these apps and (2) none of the people that have ‘liked’ me look interesting. Maybe it’s the nature of the format, or my own terrible pictures, but I’m not seeing anything interesting just yet.

On the other hand, I’ve also wondered about standards and whether my own standards are impossibly high. Sure, I sort of want a supermodel genius girlfriend (or someone that could fit both standards, even if they aren’t actually a model), but I also want someone that’s not clingy and dependent. I’ve thought it likely that my next girlfriend will probably have a social life, social media, and a car, unlike my last girlfriend, but on the other hand, my life right now is probably not the most attractive unless you’re someone who sees having a job and a car as an asset (like, say, an unemployed full-time undergrad), rather than a basic expectation. Maybe if I get a more white-collar job I’ll seem more marketable, who knows.



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